He's the reason
by What'sreallygoinon123
Summary: Lily loves him, but he does not know. Now she's depressed and cutting, but will she take it too far? Or will it be an accident? Real sucky summary plz plz plz read and PLZ review! M for mature theme and Language.
1. Chapter 1

**Review or I will not update. Kinda dark, Enjoy!**

He's the reason I cry myself to sleep sometimes, why I feel so scarred. He never knew, will never know why I act this way. Sure she's beautiful and smart and perfect, but she's not me, and I hate her. Selfish? Me? Maybe, but I can't control how I feel. It's because of her I have these scars on my wrists, why I bleed to make myself feel worth it. Because of them.

I once thought he cared. Wrong. How wrong I was. He didn't care, never cared. Never. My cheeks, so familiar now to the presence of tears. Still they flow down the same path as before. The phone rings and makes me jump, I pause with the razor above the welcoming vein on my arm and pick it up.

It's him. Not aware what I'm doing or what I've done or why. Not knowing how I felt about him, about _her. _He talks like nothing is wrong, like I'm indifferent to the matter.

"Hey Lily,"

"Oliver. Yes?"

"Kate, Miley and I are heading to the beach, do you want to come with?" I felt a yearning for the friendly razor on the sink's edge in the bathroom, but I resisted for time being.

"No not particularly."

"Come on Lil. We haven't seen you for ages. Outside school anyway."

"No really, I'd rather not."

"If you don't come and meet us, we'll get you ourselves." I heard Kate say in the background _Yea come on Lily_ I cringed at the sound of her voice.

"Fine." I hung up on him and went back into the bathroom. I sat on the closed toilet seat and took the razor back in my hand. I made a smooth slit in my arm and felt all my sufferings temporarily leave me in a rush of pain and crimson.

After I stifled the bleed I pulled a clean, long-sleeved shirt over my head and some short shorts on replacing my Bermuda ones. My legs looked close to wonderful this time of year, my arms, different story. In the wall mirror I saw how pale I was. White. Ghostly. I didn't care. I put my hair up in a messy bun and stared at my reflection, I was not ugly. Not beautiful. No, not ugly though. Never _ugly. _Right?

A knock sounded downstairs. Them. They did not think I would show up. Didn't believe me when I said I would. Well then. To the beach.

"Ready?" Oliver's gorgeous smile greeted me at the door, my stomach flipped when I saw it. And stiffened when I saw Kate. Miley smiled and waved at me and I warmly returned the notion.

"I suppose" He looked oddly at her shirt.

"Lily, it's pushing 100° outside, you should change your shirt.

"No, it's all I've got clean." yes good excuse, good.

"Whatever. Let's go." He turned and walked away with his arms around Kate's shoulders, I grimiced and made a point to walk 10 feet behind them with Miley. She looked into my face conceredly.

"What?!" She jumped slightly when I snapped at her.

"Nothing, geez. It just you look pale as death.."

"Well sorry."

"Are you okay?" I thought a minute at what to say to her. Finally, just as we reached the beach, I stopped walking, looking at the back of Oliver's head as he walked with Kate.

"No, I am not." I turned and walked away. I could tell she had followed my gaze to Oliver then looked back at me as I walked on.

I reached my house and stormed up the stairs, slamming my bedroom door behind me. I ran into the bathroom and rolled up my sleeve. And took the razor out of the cabinet. I held it above my precious skin and touched lightly to it. As I was about to cut, the doorbell rang downstairs and made me jump. The blade, so sharp and precious, cut deeper than before, cut deep in my arm.

The pain was more extreme than before. The blood gushed more from my wound than before . I heard downstairs my mothers voice telling him to go up, that I should be in my room. I stumbled into my room, blood dripping onto the carpet, tried to lock the door, but felt light headed and fell onto the floor. I sat upright aginst my bed and watched blankly as the blood dripped down her arm, caressed it lovingly.

I heard his footsteps on the stairs, the on the landing. I looked expressionlessly at the door as his steps approached. I grabbed a pillow off my bed and covered my bleeding arm with it, just as he came in.

He took one look at me, and knew something wasn't right. I could feel the little color I had left in my face draining, I saw his eyes widen as he spotted my hand began to shake.

"Lily? Are you alright? You left so quickly, Kate and Miley will be here soon and…what's wrong? " I said nothing, I wanted him to lave me alone. He couldn't see me like this. No he could not. I felt myself weaken more still, so much blood, more, more than before. The pillow slipped from my grip and fell, blood-stained to floor.

I don't think I have ever seen Oliver so white. His eyes so wide. He took a step back from me, his mouth slightly open.

"Oh God Lily, what the fuck did you do?!" I didn't answer, my face was expressionless. Then he yelled; "MRS. TRUSCOTT!" He bent down and ripped back my sleeve, and paused for a moment and stared at the scars old and new. He then ripped part of the whits sheet on my bed and wrapped it tightly around my wound. I winced in pain, still feeling the blood gush from my arm underneath the makeshift bandage.

I grabbed his arm as tight as I could and said in a kind of high innocent voice; "Why couldn't you love me?" My mother burst through the doors followed by Miley and Kate. And I heard them call 911 as I saw blurs all around me, then all was dark.

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	2. Chapter 2

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_Beep beep beep._

My were still closed, so weak I couldn't even lift my eyelids.

_Beep beep beep_

When I took I breath, I sounded like Darth Vader. Voices, whispers all around me. Familiar and unfamiliar.

"But why would she do it? I would have never suspected." Mom, that was her. Just ask Oliver Mom, I bet he's guessed by now.

"Has your daughter shown any signs of depression prior to this event?" Unfamiliar, doctor maybe? Hmm. If only I could move, let them know I'm awake.

" I haven't noticed, Miley? Oliver? Kate?" Don't say that name mom, don't soil your pretty mouth.

"Not- not really." Miley. She was crying. Bless her.

"Not until this afternoon, that's why we went to check on her." Oliver. He knew now, he knew why. I know it. The way he looked at me when I said what I did. Or what I remember of how he looked at me at least.

"Yea she really freaked us out today." Kate. Ugh! Why is she here? I wish she would leave. Leave Kate. Go, you know you don't like me, you know I don't like you. Just go.

It took all of my strength just to open my eyes. Only Miley was looking at me. She shrieked when she saw my eyes opening.

"Lily!" Now all eyes were on me. I started choking, coughing, the breathing tube in my throat, strangling me. The doctor in the room gently removed without trying to hurt me, he did a little. I felt the cut on my arm throbbing I looked down at it, then away again, repulsed by the sight of the scars there.

"Lily what the fuck were you thinking?!" I flinched under the intensity of Oliver's gaze. Maybe he didn't know.

"What was going through your head baby girl?" I didn't say anything. Anything I did say would sound stupid. I just stared at Oliver, he was still pale in the face. Hours passed , they talked to me, I just listened. They asked me why, they told me it was all ok. The only thing they said that finally made me speak is when they told me what would happen next.

"Therapy? No!" My mom's eyes pierced me with ferociousness.

"Lillian you're going whether you want to or not. You tried to kill yourself."

"I didn't"

"Then what exactly were you doing? Hmm?" again I looked at Oliver.

"Nothing, just relieving stress."

"And this is how you do it? Look where we are Lily! You need help." She was crying now. I felt tears welling in my eyes too. The doctor noticed that I was getting emotional and said he had to limit visits down to one person at a time so I wouldn't get 'overwhelmed' too late buddy. My mom left, she needed a break, so did Kate. Miley and Oliver still remained in the room, neither wanting to go.

"Miley? Please?" Oliver's voice was soft, she hesitated then backed out of the room.

My heart was seriously trying to escape my chest. I didn't want to look at him. He slowly walked to the chair beside my bed and sat down on it, staring at me. Me. Pathetic in this bed of vulnerability. Then he started crying and I finally looked over at him.

"God what happened to you?" You did. You and Kate. You broke my heart. I asked you why you didn't love me and you still don't know? You're the reason I'm here.

"You don't know?" Whoa! Where did that come from Lily? No. why did I just say that! Idiot. I'm ruining his chance for happiness… But what about my happiness? What about me? Yes. Tell him.

"Lily. What you said when I found you. I've never been more scared in my life! You were delirious, not yourself. You'd lost…so much blood."

"I wasn't, I was more myself than I've ever been." He looked down at his hands.

"You don't love me." What?! How the hell would he know? Can't see the reason I'm here is because I couldn't say that to him. I waited too long. Ruined my chances.

I felt tears rushing down my face and I took my arms out from under the sheets where I had been trying to hide them he looked wearily at the scars up and down the length of my arms.

"There's a cut here for every time you kissed her, every time you hugged her, every time you said her fucking name there's a cut! Who are you to tell me how I do or don't feel when you have no idea! So tell me now that I don't love you! Tell me what you think now!" He didn't say anything to me, his eyes were still focused on my arms and tears still rushed down his face.

He opened his mouth and I hoped for just a minute that he would say what I so desperately wanted him to say.

"I can't lose you Lily." my heart dropped a bit. "I'm so confused right now I don't what's what. But I know that I can't lose you," He stood and kissed me on the cheek. The kiss burned, it was the best and worst thing he had ever done to me. now, long months of therapy awaited. Oh boy! not

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	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you guys** **SO much for baring with me. There was a recent tragedy in my family and it tooka while to get back in the game. **

**Ok so this chap is mostly a filler chapter but it's all I've got so far. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Review!!**

When they finally let me go home I found I was victim to what my mom called 'home suicide watch'. It was basically the same as suicide watch minus the padded walls and straight jacket. I walked through my bedroom door only to find I no longer had a bedroom door. My parents had removed anything that I could possibly harm myself with from my room. It was so frustrating. My bathroom door was gone too and a curtain now hung over the entrance. I flopped down on my bed and stared at the ceiling like it would magically fix everything if I looked hard enough. I knew that it wouldn't.

"Lily, are you ready to go?" I grimaced and moaned to myself. Therapy, today was the day I started. Every week my mom was to drive me across town so I could talk about my life and everything shitty in it to a complete stranger. Yippee.

"Lily!"

"I'm coming!" I rose reluctantly and made my way downstairs and out to the car. When we got to the office that smelled a lot like a dentists office, my mom said she had errands to run and left me alone waiting for the shrink to invite me in. A man walked out of a door to my right followed by a short, ragged looking woman who looked solemn.

"Great session today Mrs. Heirtz!" He said in a false happy voice. He was not what I expected, he was tall, with dark hair and bright green eyes. His smile was warm and friendly, altogether, he was a very attractive man. He turned after the woman left the office and exchanged a quick look with the receptionist before turning to me.

"You must be Lillian." He said and flashed me the dazzling smile. "I'm Dr. Andrews. Why don't you come in and we'll bet to know each other better." He stepped back into his office and I followed nervously. I still wasn't sure if I liked him or not.

"Have a seat" and he gestured toward a cushy armchair across from one almost identical to it. I sat, so did he.

"So Lillian, tell me why you're here."

"It's Lily" I said plainly. "Don't you already _know_ why I'm here?" he smiled again.

"Yes it's all here in your file but I like to think that my patients trust me more if I let them tell me on their own terms." I nodded sarcastically but didn't say anything. I did not want to be here. I was not going to pretend that I did either.

"So how does this work exactly?" I said just to break the silence. "Do I just sit here and bitch about my problems to you while you pretend to care and take notes, or do you have a different strategy?" He laughed a little bit at my hostility

"It's pretty much up to you how it will work, there may be days that I want you to do something my way, but otherwise it's just you bitching about your problems while I _do _care and I _do _take notes and try to help you." I tried not to smile at this but I felt the edges of my mouth twitch.

"So when is this over" I asked

"In one hour unless you want it to be before that."

"Ok then, I think I'm done here." I stood as he smiled again and followed me out of his office.

"I'll be seeing you next week then." he said as I walked out of the door. I heard him turn to the receptionist and say "Pleasant child" when he thought I was out of earshot. I smiled to myself and chuckled and waited for my mom at a coffee shop across the street.

--

Laying on my bed back at home I was thinking about how pissed I was at my self, my mom, and all the other people in my life that made it a living hell. The phone rang and my heart leapt, I looked at the caller ID and was ashamed to feel disappointed that it was Miley. Oliver, I hadn't seen, or heard from Oliver since that day at the hospital.

"Hello?"

"Lily, hey, how did therapy go?"

"Lamely, what did you expect?"

"Umm, I dunno, helpful would have been a wonderful adjective to use." I smiled when she said this."

"Well, it wasn't. Did you need something or did you just want to talk?"

"Oh, that's right. I called to tell you that Kate dumped Oliver." I sat up so fast that it hurt my head.

"What? Why?!"

"She said that he just felt disconnected from her and that she needed someone who was going to be there." I didn't know if I felt more ashamed for the possibility of ruining Oliver's relationship or more jubilant that it was over.

"How is he taking it?"

"I dunno, I haven't been able to talk to him since it happened to I'm guessing not that great." I heard someone talk in the background. "I have to go Lily, take care of yourself, ok?"

"Yes mom" I said sarcastically and hung up the phone. I tapped the front of my pjone as I laid back on the bed and thought about what I had just heard. Smiling to myself, I fell asleep to the sound of rain pattering on the window.

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	4. Chapter 4

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